My Dearest Food,

I'm at a loss of what to say to you today. You've been one of my best friends for so long. You've comforted me when I've been so sad and stressed. You've helped me to not feel so alone. You've made all the fun and special occasions in my life that much more wonderful. But I think we've come to a crossroads. As much as I love you, our relationship needs to change. You can be so good for me at times. And I absolutely need you to survive. That's why it makes it so hard to say this. I need a break. A break from the parts of you that aren't good for me. A break from the sweetest parts of you, that are usually my favorite. A break from all the stuff that is so not good for my physical and mental health. I need something to change or else this body of mine is just not going to last as long as I would like it to. Although I'm not giving you up. And on those special occasions I know you will be right there. I'm just going to try to get to know the parts of you that are good for me.

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to you. You're like a drug for me. And that's not good. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I want our relationship to change forever. I know that I will fall sometimes and give in to your tempting ways but I cannot stay in that place or else my physical and mental health will be in jeopardy again. Please do not think I am intentionally using you. I'm just trying to get the good parts from you and not the bad. I love all your sides. I just need some of them in moderation. I have to break this bad habit that is you.

I am doing this not only for me but for my family as well. I want to be able to run around with my kids for a long time and if I continue on the path that I am now I won't be able to do that. As much as I love you, I love my family and my health more. I need you to stay healthy and to have energy. So thank you for that. Thank you for all the fun times we've had. Thank you for comforting me when nothing else would. Thank you for being my constant friend. But now it's time to say goodbye to our old relationship. I'm looking forward to our new one and know there will be some bumps along the way. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Please don't be sad. I'll miss you a lot.

Love always, your devoted friend,

Lindsey

Week 1-check!

Anything that is meant to get you healthy and help you lose weight can't be too hard right? WRONG. It's so the opposite. My first week wasn't horrible but it sure was more challenging than I thought it would be. But I weighed myself this past Monday morning and I had lost 4lbs. I'm not going to lie, I was expecting or hoping for more. But for cheating with banana bread and some other things and having a partial free day to eat whatever I wanted, I realized 4lbs was pretty good. Imagine if I did the diet perfectly? Too late for that one this week. Yesterday was the busiest day I have had in a very long time. I didn't ruin it with my eating I just didn't eat the 5-6 meals that I'm supposed to. On top of it being a busy day it was kind of a frustrating day as well for me. I was just down and discouraged and not feeling great. What did that lead to? A nice, big, ice cold Dr. Pepper. Man it tasted good and actually did help me to feel better. Well in my mind it did. It wasn't diet either. Again, oh well and I'm just moving forward. This has been a rockier start to this diet than I thought it would be. I think once I get the hang of everything and get my life organized finally things will be back on track. I'm okay with 4lbs but I'm not ecstatic about it. I want it to be more so I guess I just have to buckle down and do better. Part of my busy schedule yesterday was going to my doctor for my 6 week check-up after having my son. It has actually been 7 weeks but yesterday was the soonest I could make the appointment. I love, love, love my doctor. She was perfect for me and never made me feel bad about my weight or anything else. She's encouraging and positive and just great. My goal is when I go back to get my annual yearly "check-up"next September that she will hardly recognize me. That's how much weight I'm planning on losing between now and then. I think it's very realistic and I just feel different this time around.

my anti-depresant

I've realized yet again what working out does for me. Here are some examples:

1)It's like my own personal anti-depresant. Even my husband agress with this one. I think that's one reason he gave in to letting me get the gym membership. I'm in such a better mood!

2)It gives me energy. Granted I am very tired from getting up so early and waking up with my son to feed him, but I have more energy throughout the day.

4)It clears my mind. I have the greatest ideas when I'm working out and I'm able to organize my time better.

5)It makes my skin so smooth. Well I think the sweating does that. Part of it could also be because of the extra water I'm drinking. Either way my skin has improved.

I'm sure the list could go on, but those are my top five for now.

first obstacle

Well turns out I can't make banana bread while I'm trying to diet. It's way to hard to resist. In the Body for Life book it says "nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I'm sure this is true. However when I made the banana bread my mind kept justifying just a little. A little turned into more than I thought. I made the banana bread for a friend of mine so technically is wasn't really my fault, right? Deep down I think I was just looking for an excuse to have something sweet. Well I had some. That's that. Now I just need to pick up where I left off instead of just giving in and starting all over again. When I watch that certain show that motivates me, they never mention how hard the food part of losing weight is. They have all the healthy food they want at their finger tips. Granted they do have to do portion control and everything. But they really don't mention what an obstacle getting over bad habits is. I wish they would. That's the hardest part for me. If it was all about working out I would have lost this weight years ago. I guess I just move on and do better.

Day 1/84

Today I was reminded of something. I used to snack way too often. Today my husband brought out some crackers and when he sat down next to me, I automatically reached for them. I stopped myself luckily. I wasn't hungry and they didn't even sound good. It's just a bad habit that I've developed over time. I don't like that habit at all. To eat something just because it's there. That's something I'm hoping to get rid of.

I was very aware of what I ate today and that felt good. It was still hard but not terribly hard. I'm sure that will change when there are differnt foods around calling to me. Working out was a little intimidating. Mostly just when I walked through those gym doors. I hate those initial first days when you feel so out of place next to that body builder or Miss size 2. Oh well, they can judge me all they want and I'll try not to care. All in all the day went well but I'm exhausted and my body is hurting. I guess it needs to be hard to be worth it, right?

this is what i'm thinking

Looking Forward
Tomorrow is the big day. The day when I start my program and change my body inside and out. The beginning of breaking a lot of bad habits but being okay if I mess up. I haven't had a good workout for such a long time and I feel so ready for it. I really can't remember a time when I have felt more motivated and excited. Now I'm sure when I'm desperately craving that cookie or so sore I can barely stand that I won't be quite so excited. But... Right now I'm looking forward to this journey and those feelings are something that I want to remember.

Birthday Gift
For my birthday I really wanted a gym membership. But we've been struggling with money for a little bit and it's been hard to justify it. In the back of my head I kept hearing Jillian and Bob saying "You are worth it." (that gym membership) and I kept thinking of them saying "Quit making excuses." Corny I know, to be "pretending" like they are my own personal trainers. But I secretly would love to meet them and have them kick my butt. They motivate me, plain and simple. And I don't think there is any harm in having something like that motivate me to achieve my goal. So anyway, I got that gym membership for my birthday. And I feel like I do on the day before the first day of school. (I was always so excited for school to start).

Program
The program that I am doing is Body for Life. This has kind of a special place in my heart. Let me be a little personal for a moment. Almost ten years ago I started college at BYU-Idaho (oh man, I CANNOT believe it's been that long). But I went up there with one of my best friends. We weren't roomates but I spent a lot of time over at her apartment and visa versa. We had a few classes together, we planned it that way. After Christmas break we decided we were going to do this diet together, Body for Life. We were going to workout every morning together. We were going to plan a lot of our food together. And we did. We did an awesome job. It was very hard at first but easier because I had a friend along side me. It was the first time I tried to "diet." And it was just much more bearable with her. We decided we were going to treat ourselves and go to California for spring break to visit one of my old roomates. To make a long story short we were about 8 weeks into the diet (it's a 12 week program) when we headed out to California. We got in a horrible car accident and my friend passed away. It was really hard and I didn't finish the diet. I had other things I needed to work through. This is one of the main reasons I chose this program. I want to finish it for me, but I also want to finish it for her. And I feel partly that this could be why I'm so excited about starting. I almost feel like she is right here with me pushing me and encouraging me, which is so like her.

In conclusion
So here I go. I know there will be bumps along the way, and it will take some time. I've tried enough with dieting to know that it's not easy. I hope I'm prepared when those really hard days hit. But for now I'm going to enjoy the fact that I'm positive about it. I've had enough negativity about myself to last me a lifetime and I'm so over it. I can do this and I'm strong!

happy

You know, I have my off days. Right now I'm sure I have more off days than on days. I think it's mostly because I'm trying to get used to having two children. Wow, that's a whole other story. But in general I'm happy and I'm happy at how my life is right now. So even with that said, I want to complain for a little bit. There is a particular tv show that I very much enjoy watching. In fact it helps me a lot in motivating me to be better and lose weight. Can you guess which one? Well something I am sick of is the assumption that if you are overweight or obese you are unhappy. This tv show often portrays this. This is so not true. Sure I'm unhappy with my weight and how I look but this does not define me and who I am and how my life is day to day. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. My wonderful, hard-working husband. My sweet snuggly son. My happy, silly daughter who cracks me up on a daily basis. The point is: I have a lot of things in my life that contribute to my happiness. I know who I am, my purpose and where I came from. I have a lot to improve on but I'm working on it and some days I do better than others. Life is good and this body has been with me through it all. It's just time to take better care of it.